a place where every light is green

haipha92:

“One regret, dear world, 
That I am determined not to have 
When I am lying on my deathbed 
Is that 
I did not kiss you enough.” 
— Hafiz of Shiraz

…When I am away from you like this, like always, like I always will be, I want to hit you, for all the ways my words couldn’t, didn’t. I want to scream and hit you like a toddler learning to fight.

But then I know that if I saw you out in the world I would be paralyzed, overwhelmed; and if you looked at me, truly, from your deepest, sweetest self, I might love you again.

And fuck you, really for that. Because that is something you would never give me.

And how is that any consolation? There is none to be had; I’m almost as lost as you are. You’ll find someone else to idealize and then back away from, someone else to fulfill your pathological ideas about the world and yourself. Maybe no one will try as hard as I did, maybe the next girl will have more dignity, more self-preservation…

So I forget things, you know? Like sometimes I can’t remember the exact scent of my mother’s banana bread. Or if I put the keys in my pocket or left them on the table. And it can be disorienting, like waking up in a strange place or next to a strange form. If maybe one day the sun just decided to rise in the west, just to change things up a bit- that’s how it feels. Like something terrible and cosmic is now out of place, now that you’re gone, now that I am holding nothing but memory. And I find myself distracted, lost in thought, and suddenly I’ve forgotten the way home from the store, or exact shade of your eyes, and I find myself frozen in the middle of the street trying to remember exactly how to find my way back.